ontherocks

When I was in school, I used to wonder why no one ever fell in love with me. Almost everyone had a crush on one or the other and I was kind of the one who others never fell in love with. I always used to wonder why this happened. Was I not attractive enough(shit, I cannot even believe I thought this), didn't anybody really wanted to know me?Why wasn't I loved by anyone? Why didn't anybody wanted to have a crush on me ? :( (plight of a girl who was just growing up). Maybe many of you had thoughts like that in your mind,when you were growing up.( don't tell me I am the only, I'm trying to be real and raw here). Many years  have passed since then and my ideas and ideals have changed. I have seen many jumping at the sight of somebody telling them they had a crush on them, not really knowing the person.  I think it was a privilege to be loved by someone or that it was validation that you have reached somewhere( even though I don't know where). If I could tell myself

I love you, I love that you see life as art I love the fact that you read and write and that makes you a bit different, maybe even weird. I love that you are not for everyone, that you are not everyone's cup of coffee. I love that you are loyal to those who are around you and that you would do anything for them. I love that you are becoming unapologetic, you say what others try to sugarcoat. I love the fact that you cannot stand scary horror movies but you can watch all the gory details of a zombie film, I love the fact that you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse(let's just hope it never, never happens) I love that you are not afraid to laugh out loud till you cannot breathe and  I love that you laugh thinking of all the things that have happened. I love that you are you and on days that you don't feel that love, you always remind yourself of who you are. I love you, I love me.

This past year has truly changed me. I am not saying that I am better or that I am not better. Some days are good and others, well you know it. Let's get back to what we were actually discussing. Whenever I think of doing something on my own, this paralyzing fear takes control over me and I just sit there feeling angry at myself because I couldn't do something that I wanted to do. I was away from my home for half of 2018 and there was a park near where I lived. I wanted to go there, so I asked my friend if she wanted to join me but she couldn't. So I sat there feeling bored and angry at myself because I was scared or afraid to actually do something as simple as just going out by myself. I thought about going by myself and even the thought of just doing that scared me. So, I decided that I wanted to challenge myself and do something that scares me. I wanted to go out of my comfort zone, literally. I walked out and it felt amazing that I was doing something new.  I learned

I have had many friends. I have seen many people with very different ideas and ideals. I am literally a walking encyclopedia who has a record of meeting new people and learning about them. You could say maybe to a point where I could instantly sense who I want as my friends(even though I sometimes choose those who make me sad), who I want in my circle.                         Friendship for me is a place of mutual respect. A place where you can be who you are. "We have three types of friends in life: friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime" - this saying is really the truth, at least by my experience(even if it hurts). I have had the joy of meeting all these types of friends and I have been all those three in one way or the other. I have asked myself why I have met some of the worst people and why I have shed far too many tears on them.  It all makes sense when I see this ("We have three types of friends in life: friends for a reason, fr

Live a life and tell no one, let them wonder or not wonder about what you are up to, without giving out a clue of what you are doing  Hate is such a big soul/life sucking emotion/burden that you do not have to carry around. You might not ever be in everyone's good books and that's alright. It's not your job to make everyone love you or tell them how to love you. Everyone is different. All you can do is to love them how you can and its ok if you cannot love everyone either. Just don't carry that weight around. Its really ok to go with the flow, to really not know where you are headed, where the next turn might take you, as long as you just keep flowing(floating or just keep swimming :) ). It's really ok to not know it all. Just have faith in yourself and in the one above. For a while let things happen the way they are meant to. You don't exactly need to control every situation. It's ok to just sit and let the world pass by while listening to music. Be

Everyone, since they were born, is taught to respect their elders. I understand that very clearly and sometimes I feel that some don't even deserve that. Ever since I was a kid, I was told one thing and one thing only "that  I am fat, that I need to be slim" and so I grew up hating my body. I believed that I was fat( something that is not good at all)and to be able to love others or to be able to receive it back, I had to be slim. A kid who was probably ten years old didn't have to hear that at all. So, I wore clothes that were too baggy so that no one had to see me. And very recently I started to love my body. I loved the way that it was. It was to serve the purpose to contain my soul and I in return was to love the body that I was blessed with. I did, I grew my confidence a bit, but only to be stolen from me. I know no one could do that but constantly hearing the very words that I hate the most don't do very well either. I visited my relatives home and since I

I sometimes have this urge to uproot myself from the place that I am in and to go to a distant far away land, where no one knows me and I know no one.  A place where I could start fresh or be who I really want to be. A place where I don't have to hide. A place where all my scars are nothing but tattoos all over my body. A place where the clouds are gloomy at days when I am sad and sunny on days when I'm happy.